What are you reinforcing?
I wrote Chapter Twelve — "When Love Needs Boundaries" — not knowing I’d be practicing it daily.
This chapter isn’t about being strict. It’s about awareness, accountability, and responsibility.
As a professional dog trainer who specializes in behavior, I’m trained to see reinforcement loops.
It’s second nature for me to watch patterns form.
To notice what gets rewarded.
To observe what gets softened.
To track what gets avoided.
To see how systems in place quietly shape outcomes.
And here’s what I know: Patterns don’t care about intention.
They care about reinforcement.
It’s easy to say:
“He’s teaching dependency.”
“She’s enabling fragility.”
“There’s zero accountability.”
But once something sounds like indictment, the lesson gets lost.
Better questions are:
- What is this pattern conditioning?, and
- What is this pattern reinforcing?
As parents — as future-adult raisers — it is our responsibility to continually reflect and ask those questions.
Because whether we’re raising dogs or raising humans, the principle is the same:
**We get what we reinforce.**
When, for example:
• An allowance is given regardless of contribution
• A cancelled plan is rescued financially
• Emotional discomfort is quickly soothed with money or intervention
• Standards are stated but not consistently upheld
• Access is granted without participation
The system teaches:
1. Effort is optional.
2. Follow-through is negotiable.
3. Frustration will be fixed by someone else.
4. Engagement isn’t required for reward.
And over time — respect erodes.
Respect is built on consistency. Follow-through. And on leadership that means what it says.
When expectations are fluid and boundaries dissolve, respect doesn’t deepen — it weakens.
This, my friends, is reinforcement history. And reinforcement history shapes capacity.
Most over-functioning doesn’t come from malice.
It comes from love… and often from our own unhealed places.
From wanting to ease disappointment.
Wanting to protect.
Wanting to be the “good” one.
That makes it human. And it also makes it powerful.
****Over-functioning on one side inevitably breeds under-functioning on the other.****
I’ve seen it time and time again — and I’ve lived it.
Then there's confusion when:
• A young dog can’t regulate excitement
• A teenager can’t tolerate disappointment or delay
• A young adult avoids responsibility
• Someone only initiates connection when they want something
• Patience is nonexistent because needs and solutions are expected (and tended to) immediately
This is what we’ve conditioned. And this is the honest work many parents and "future-adult-raisers" (human and canine) refuse to do.
Here’s one of the hardest truths in dog training:
The human end of the leash is rarely open to seeing the loop.
They're only willing to point fingers, blame, and "fix" and address the dog’s behavior. Far, far fewer are willing to examine their own.
Almost no one wants to acknowledge — and own — the role they play in the reinforcement loop and development of the nervous system, perception, and behavior of the being they’re responsible for.
We shape what we tolerate.
We reinforce what we repeat.
We build what we consistently allow.
If discomfort is consistently removed, tolerance never develops.
If responsibility is absorbed, ownership never forms.
If standards aren’t enforced, they dissolve.
If opting out still earns reward, opting out becomes the pattern.
In dogs, this shows up as anxiety, reactivity, fragility.
In families, it shows up as entitlement, avoidance, and emotional immaturity.
The principle doesn’t change.
Love without structure doesn’t create security.
It creates fragility.
Discomfort builds capacity.
Structure builds safety.
Boundaries build trust.
Contribution builds maturity.
This isn’t about being harsh. It’s not about withholding love.
It’s about pairing love with structure, boundaries, and leadership.
Not indulgence. Not rescuing. Not emotional cushioning.
Stewardship.
Parents. Guardians. I ask you:
What are we teaching?
What are we conditioning?
What are we reinforcing in those who depend on us?
Because whether we intend to or not, we are **always** teaching.
We are **always** conditioning.
We are **always** reinforcing something.
And this — this right here — is the work. (Chapter Fourteen: This Is the Work.)
Every relationship will teach, test, and reveal. Relationships of all kinds are some of our greatest teachers in life.
They reveal our tolerance. Our blind spots. Our avoidance. Our over-functioning. Our fear of discomfort. Our desire to be liked.
Our resistance.
And most of the time? The lesson isn’t about them. It’s about us.
The human end of the leash. And this is where real change begins.
------------
If this resonates — if it stings a little or lands a little heavy — Chapter Twelve ("When Love Needs Boundaries"), Chapter Seven ("Becoming the Human Your Dog Needs"), and Chapter Fourteen ("This Is the Work") go much deeper into this conversation.
You can order "The Human End of the Leash: Dog Training’s Missing Link" through Amazon and major retailers nationwide:
https://a.co/d/0gbCB2gM
If you’d prefer a signed and personalized copy, you can grab it here:
https://kimberlyartley.com/books-and-ebooks
Because this isn’t really about THEIR behavior. But our own..
It’s about accountability.
Facing what we’d rather avoid.
Leaning into discomfort instead of escaping it.
Doing what’s hard instead of what’s easiest (because the gold is in the hard).
Addressing what we’ve reinforced.
Healing what drives our over-functioning.
Staying open and receptive instead of defensive.
Choosing boundaries instead of constant self-sacrifice — and calling it love.
Seeing behavior for what it actually is: feedback.
Awareness.
Acknowledgment.
Personal discipline.
Leadership.
And becoming the kind of human the beings in our care actually need.
Because this was never just about training dogs.
It’s about becoming the leader — the parent — the steward — capable of shaping healthy nervous systems, resilient minds, and respectful relationships.
THIS, my friends… this is the work-- if you're willing to do it.
